This week has been an interesting week full of memories. 23 years ago today, our daughter, Hannah, was stillborn. I’ve taken a lot of time this week to reflect on some of the events that took place and some of the emotions and thoughts that I experienced that week.
On Tuesday April 9, 1996, we were very excited as we went to our first childbirth class. I was 30 weeks pregnant. It was our third pregnancy, but we never had the chance to attend the classes before, as we had a miscarriage for our first pregnancy and then I was in the hospital for 10 weeks with our twins and one of them died the night they were born, 7 weeks premature.
What was supposed to be a joyful night and celebration of life ended with news that our daughter had died.
The doctor sent me home from the hospital to wait and see if I would go into labor on my own. They scheduled me to come back 2 days later to be induced, if needed. It was a long night.
No expectant couple should have to do this
The next day was spent making funeral arrangements. Picking a casket, ordering flowers, buying a doll with a cute dress so we could bury her in the dress… (It turns out it was a dress almost exactly like one I wore as a baby.) The day was surreal, full of things no pregnant woman and expectant daddy should have to do. It was hard. I think we were on autopilot and somewhat numb. It was awkward for everyone helping us too.
I was induced 2 days later. That was 23 years ago today. What a weird day. Knowing I was going through the pain of childbirth only to bury my child…. Our family and some friends were able to be present and share the day with us.
Stillbirth and miscarriage are emotionally and mentally messy…
It’s always interesting when this week comes and the memories bubble back up to the surface. Stillbirth is so messy. So many complicated details. It wasn’t just a one-day event. It took place over several days. The whole week is full of difficult memories.
The thing about miscarriage and stillbirth that makes it extra challenging is that even though you know the pregnancy is over, in your mind you still “finish” the pregnancy. You’re always thinking about the milestones you would be experiencing until your due date. “I would be _____weeks today”, etc.
I healed with time
I can tell my story without pain now. Most of the time. But sometimes a tear still breaks through. The beginning was definitely harder, as the emotions and experience were so fresh and raw. I truly found my comfort in God and felt His presence. I prayed that one day we would heal enough that He could use our story to help others. I wasn’t ready yet at the time, because I needed to go through my grief, but since then, God has used our story in amazing ways.
My Hannah and David have made an impact on the lives of so many people. I’ll never know “why” this side of heaven. And I’ll probably never know the extent of the impact their short little lives made. Hannah, who never took a breath, and David, who only did so for 40 minutes. But I do know that they fulfilled the purpose God had for them and I can’t wait to see them again and maybe understand why our story has been written this way.
What about you?
- If you have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, what have been the most challenging aspects for you?
- What has God shown and taught you about Himself and about yourself through this experience?
