David
I realized what I had just heard, and for a brief moment, the world around me stood still. At least, that’s what it felt like.
My oldest son, Isaac, is a college student majoring in both English and Theater. We went to his campus last week, about 4 hours away, to see his play. He had the lead role and we were really excited to see it. As I sat down in my seat to watch, I glanced at the cast list to see which students would be playing the various roles. Honestly, I mainly looked at the side with their real names and then did a quick glance at the character names. When I saw Isaac, I just scanned across the line and saw “Dr. Mortimore”. I didn’t pay attention to his character’s first name.
Throughout the whole play they called him “Doctor” or “Doctor Mortimore”. It was near the end when it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. His “wife” in the play called him “David”. At that moment, the world briefly stopped.
That name had a very special significance to me. David is Isaac’s twin brother who died at birth.
My Isaac was now “David” in this play.
No big deal, really, but it just jumped out and grabbed me– and pricked my heart. Another one of those unexpected triggers that take your mind back…..and bring up memories.
I mentioned it to my son later. He said it didn’t even hit him until about the third day of rehearsal when he realized that they called him “David”. I asked him if he mentioned it to anyone, but he said no. Even that made me sad. He’s a twin, but it’s like he’s not. Not many of his friends know. It’s as if David doesn’t exist and Isaac isn’t a twin.
Have you ever had an experience like that? Maybe something that you have experienced and worked through but then suddenly something is said or done that brings it right back to the forefront.
Sometimes with losses we can feel cheated or like we kind of belong to a group or have a certain experience, yet we don’t. Or we struggle with our identity because of an experience we’ve had. Who are we now? What does this mean? How will it affect me? What will the future be like? How can I go on from here?
Let me give an example, using my own twins. It’s been over 20 years, yet it still feels weird sometimes when I hear about twins or when I talk to moms of twins. I am a mother of twins. Yet, I’m kind of not. I mean, I carried them. I delivered them. I loved them. But I also buried one of them. I did not raise twins or have all of the twin experiences. In the world’s eyes, I’m not really a mom of twins as people would typically think of twin moms.
Maybe you can relate to that. Something that you’ve experienced, a loss you’ve faced, a burden you bear, a feeling of not belonging or of not having a voice……. It can be a real struggle working through some of those experiences. Creating a new normal. Coming to terms with your identity. Knowing where you fit in and where you are comfortable. Allowing God to use your experience for His glory. You never know when a trigger will come up that will remind you.
God has been an amazing comfort and sense of peace to me. I’ve learned to live with the realities of my own losses and circumstances, but it can still be triggered from time to time — even over 20 years later, like when my Isaac played David. Grief is like that. You work through it, you move on, but it’s always there. It’s like the door is always slightly cracked open and never shuts completely as it once did.
I’m thankful for God’s provision and peace through all of my losses. I’m thankful for my twins, even though I’m only raising one of them. I can’t wait for them to be reunited one day in Heaven! What a reunion that will be!
If you’re struggling with moving forward after a loss or maybe an experience that has changed your life or altered your “identity”, I’d love to pray with you and help you to process through it. From time to time, we all need a safe place to process through things and share what’s on our heart. Know that you are not alone and there is hope. The journey can be difficult and painful at times, but you can move forward and live beyond your loss or challenges.
