When a person is in crisis or traumatized, the words we use, our tone of voice, and the suggestions we make have a bigger impact on them than they would normally have at other times in life.
Our words can heal or they can harm.
We need to say things that are supportive and helpful.
I’m sure that, like me, you can probably tell stories of things that people have said to you during a time of crisis or things that you have heard said to other people that were neither supportive nor helpful. Unfortunately, we could also all probably list some things that we have said ourselves that may not have been healing or helpful.
It seems that when you are in a crisis situation, facing a loss, or grieving in some way, you get a lot of unsolicited and unwanted advice. It’s not always good advice either. It’s often insensitive and really hurts. Suddenly, everyone has a story like yours, or one that is supposed to show you that yours isn’t so bad and could be worse. They know someone who went through the same thing or they have good reasons why you should be glad that ______ did/didn’t happen, or that it happened when it did, the way it did, etc. Trust me, I’ve been there. Many times.
We call these people secondary “wounders”.
Often, they don’t mean to wound you. They just don’t know what to say, but feel that they should say something. Actually, when you don’t know what to say, don’t! It’s better to not say anything and just listen and show support than it is to say something that may be harmful.
They may just be reflecting their own fear or anxieties about the situation. Maybe they have no experience with that same thing and they honestly don’t realize what would be helpful to say. We often excuse them as being well-meaning, but that is questionable. Some people do know that what they are saying isn’t being very supportive.
For example, I had someone say that I should be glad my retarded baby died. This was right after my 3rd baby died. She was stillborn at 29 weeks and I had to carry her for 2 days after she died, waiting for my body to go into labor on its own. So, while I was still very pregnant and out buying clothes to bury her in, buying the flowers for her casket, at the funeral home planning her funeral, and dreading her delivery, someone I knew gave me that “advice”.
I could write a whole book just on “non-supportive” things people have said. This isn’t about me and my story though. The point is that you will hear things that wound you when you are in a crisis situation. You will also probably unintentionally say something to someone in crisis that isn’t supportive, at some point in your life.
It’s ok to speak up. You can kindly let the ‘wounder’ know that it’s hurtful. You can tell them that it’s not true or helpful. You can then tell them that if they would like to be helpful that you would appreciate it if they would__________. Often times, others really do want to help, but they don’t know how. Telling them a specific way they could help you would be appreciated and would actually help you both.
When you are either approached by someone or you approach someone else, remember: our words can heal or they can harm.
Be mindful of what you say to others. If someone says something to you that is hurtful, remember that their bad advice isn’t coming from an expert.
