Do you know your primary love language? Do you know the language of your spouse? Maybe you’re engaged. Have you learned your fiance’s primary love language?
What about the love language of your children?
Love languages are fun and can make a big impact on the dynamics in your relationships. I recommend the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman if you want an in-depth explanation and further information. It includes an assessment in the back for you to fill out and discover your language. There are also versions of the book for children and teens.
The idea is that everyone has an emotional need for love and we have an emotional tank that needs to be filled with love. We feel loved when others speak to us using our primary love language. When we feel loved, our tank is full. We’re affected by whether our love tank is full or not. Emptiness can lead to critical attitudes, withdrawal, harsh words, misbehavior, and negativity….to name a few.
What are the 5 love languages?
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Spouses often interact with each other based on their own primary love language and what they prefer…..not based on the language of their spouse. That’s like speaking a foreign language and can lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings. Even though spouses may be showing each other that they love one another, it’s not interpreted that way and their love tanks may be empty. To make it more interesting, spouses seldom have the same primary love language. Trust me….it makes a big difference.
Let me give you a personal example:
Just because you know what to do, doesn’t always mean you hit the mark 100% of the time. I blew it big this afternoon.
My husband came home and was carrying the mail. He had a package and when he opened it he smiled really big and said, “You can’t ever say that I don’t love you!” and then he handed me a movie he had just bought for me: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
So far, so good……right?
I made a big mistake. My reaction was: “What about it? We have that one.”
He was deflated! He said, “I know we have it, but we have an old VCR copy and I bought you the DVD.”
He then turned and made jokes about how different my reaction was compared to what he expected, how I showed no excitement, etc. I love musicals and we even went to see that musical at the Muny in St. Louis last year. He just knew that this would score big points for him.
So, as you can guess……my love language is NOT Gifts.
My husband is wonderful and he is always surprising me with little gifts. I do appreciate them, but I know that often he’s disappointed by my reactions.
Now, for the second half of today’s story…………… Guess what he did next?
This is where the story gets good. (haha)
He went outside and cut the grass. I was ready to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. Not because he never cuts the grass, but because now he was talking my language. Acts of Service. (Can I hear an amen?) I mean, do you know how wonderful it was to look out there and see all that soft, green grass all neat and trimmed? <<sigh>> I could feel the warm fuzzies because I knew how much he loved us and was taking care of our home.
I’m telling ya, this stuff works!
Looking at your love languages is a really fun topic to coach around in marriage and premarital coaching.
So, do you know your love language? Do you have any examples of the difference it has made when you have either spoken your spouse’s language or when your spouse has spoken yours? Or when you haven’t?
Speaking your spouse’s primary love language is the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage!
I’d love to hear your comments!
