Anticipatory grief. You know a loss is coming and you begin grieving in advance.
When I was pregnant with my twins, Isaac and David, I dealt with this. I was only 23 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. I spent 10 weeks in the hospital on bed rest to try to allow me to carry them as long as possible, but they were still born 7 weeks early.
When I was first hospitalized with contractions, they noticed a discrepancy in size between the twins and ran quite a few tests. It was determined that David had Trisomy 13 and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV). If he lived to delivery, his heart would not be able to work properly. He was not going to live. Isaac was healthy, but it was just too early. He was in danger of not living as well. To make it worse, one of the medicines they used to stop my labor affected my heart and I almost died a couple of times. My husband was taken into the hall one day and asked whom the doctor should try to save, me or the babies.
As I spent 10 weeks in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. It was very bittersweet. In some ways I wanted the pregnancy to continue forever because David was still alive. I was a mom of twins. And I was just like any other pregnant woman. I could say, I’m _____weeks pregnant. Or I could talk about “my boys” or “the twins”.
On the other hand, I knew it wouldn’t last. One way or another, the pregnancy would end, and one, if not both, of the babies would die. I may possibly die too. So, here I was, pregnant and anticipating the birth of my boys, yet dreading it and grieving all of the “nevers” that I knew we would face. We would never do this. We would never do that. It was hard.
And who would I be? Would I be a mother of twins? If Isaac lived, would I be a mother of 1? Or would I still be a mother of 3, since we had lost another baby before the twins? What about Isaac? Would he identify with being a twin? Would he feel the loss of his twin brother?
I had their nursery set up already. I had sewn all of the bedding myself. Curtains, diaper stackers, quilts…… The room was ready and it screamed “twins”. I didn’t even want to think about going home and facing that room and taking down half of it. It was too final.
With anticipatory grief you begin grieving in advance. It’s hard. You grieve the future as much as you grief the present.
This is often seen in long-term illnesses such as cancer or Alzheimer’s disease. They change and you feel the loss long before they are officially gone.
With the twins, I did very well emotionally throughout the pregnancy. Until the end. By then, honestly, I just wanted it over with. 10 weeks of contractions, being poked and prodded all day long every day, living with the reality that at least one of the babies would die and there was a good chance both would……….. I was tired of it and just wanted it to end. The social worker and doctors came in daily to talk to me and just chat. I could tell it was really bothering them too.
The day finally came. I should be happy. I was having a baby. I was having 2. Yet there was also a sense of sadness. Each contraction meant I was that much closer to their birth, but also that much closer to facing death.
David only lived about 40 minutes. His heart couldn’t work on it’s own. It was hard watching him in pain and gasping for breath. On the other hand, Isaac was perfectly healthy, and rather big for 7 weeks early. It was bittersweet.
Grieving for those 10 weeks was hard. So hard. At the same time, it was also a blessing. It did allow me to work through some of my grief and to accept the reality. It’s not that I didn’t mourn for David, but by the time they were born, I had accepted it and I was able to focus on Isaac and trying to help him come home from the NICU.
I learned a lot about myself through that experience. My twin pregnancy forever changed me and helped to make me who I am today. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to go through it. I wouldn’t really want to do it again either, yet I realize that I did grow through it and I learned that I am resilient. I had hope in Christ. With God’s help, I made it through and came out stronger. For that, I can be thankful.
